2015 NFL Power Rankings: Week Two

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After the mass hysteria that follows week one of the NFL season, week two is a breath of fresh air. Apparently a rookie quarterback who played a great opener isn't necessarily destined for the Hall of Fame just yet, and one who struggled in his first game just might not be a bust. A team that looked like world beaters in week one might not be Super Bowl ready yet, and if your favorite team started 0-1, they might not be destined for the top overall pick in next year's draft. Let's let the season play out a little. In week two: Brady's smoking, the Colts croaking, and the Giants choking...again. Here we go.

32. Saints: Too many tasteless hurricane jokes are coming to mind, so I'm just going to say the Saints are bad, and leave it at that.

31. Bears: Jay Cutler getting injured trying to tackle an opponent in the process of returning an interception for a touchdown is the most Bears play ever.

30. Texans: Can Jadeveon Clowney play quarterback? 

29. Lions: There's a special place in Hell for the entire Lions franchise for getting the hopes of fans up, then spectacularly smashing them on a yearly basis.

28. Colts: Every time Andrew Luck gets hit, Ryan Grigson should get hit in the nuts with a whiffle ball bat. 

27. Titans: Marcus Mariota has made the Titans just good enough to lose by less than two scores every week.

26. Browns: If opposing defenses will keep leaving guys open deep, Johnny Manziel just might have a future in the NFL.

25. Jaguars: The AFC South: First team to 5 wins takes the division.

24. Eagles: There aren't enough jokes on the internet available to describe their performance against the Cowboys.

23. Buccaneers: The fact that Tampa Bay is ranked 23rd just goes to show you how bad the bottom teams in the league have been so far.

22. Ravens: Donald Trump says Joe Flacco is elite. He also says Vin Diesel is an elite actor, Vanilla Ice is an elite musician, and Chevy Chase is an elite talk show host.

21. Raiders: Charles Woodson played with one arm. In honor of this, the rest of the defense played like they only had one arm. (This joke failed, but I got stuff to do, so deal with it.)

20. Giants: Eli Manning is like Matt Harvey. He can only be counted on for about 3/4ths of a game.

19. Dolphins: The Dolphins are now 0-1 on the season when Ndamukong Suh doesn't kick somebody in the face.

18. Redskins: People talking Washington up as a potential division winner has to be a sign of the apocalypse.

17. Rams: I guess the team remembered Nick Foles was their quarterback.

16. Seahawks: Religion jokes, Ciara jokes, Beastmode jokes. Hard to choose. I'm going with this. Did somebody buy Drake a Seahawks jersey?

15. Vikings: The Vikings "mascot" wanted $160,000 per year for the next 10 years, making him the Darrelle Revis of mascots. 

14. 49ers: I picture a 49ers player laying on the field, cartoon style with tire tracks across his chest saying "Did anybody get the number of that car?" It was 84 49ers player. 84.

13. Jets: Ryan Fitzpatrick playing well early in the "suck them in and make them think I'm good enough" phase of his master plan.

12. Panthers: Who did Cam Newton sleep with to get Jacksonville and Houston to open the season? Next up? Saints and Bucs. Seriously, do they have nudes of Roger Goodell?

11. Chiefs: No jokes are really necessary when you lose like that.

10. Chargers: There's a Brandon Flowers "scored on" joke here just waiting to happen.

9. Falcons: The Falcons are the anti-Giants. If Julio Jones doesn't have 200 catches this year, Atlanta is doing it wrong.

8. Steelers: And they did that without two major offensive weapons. Sheesh.

7. Bills: Rex Ryan may want to stop talking smack about the Patriots before he plays them. It doesn't seem to be going well.

6. Broncos: Peyton Manning threw a deep out on Thursday that still hasn't made it to his receiver. 

5. Cowboys: Brandon Weeden.

4. Bengals: Jeremy Hill put more balls on the ground than Bob Barker's veterinarian. 

3. Cardinals: Arizona is in a time warp. Carson Palmer throws four touchdowns. Larry Fitzgerald scores three times. Chris Johnson leads the team in rushing. 

2. Patriots: There's basically a tie for first, but I enjoy putting New England second because it pleases me to troll Pats fans. 

1. Packers: Wait a minute! I thought Aaron Rodgers WAS God?

MVPs

Travis Benjamin: Somebody tell the Titans defense that it's a bad idea to let the fast guy run free.

Tom Brady: I don't really need to explain this.

Derek Carr: Because the slander's gotta stop. He's good.

Geno Atkins: Go watch a defensive tackle dominate.

Goats

Jamaal Charles: When announcers are making fun of you live, on national TV, you failed.

Chip Kelly: Early returns show he might not be the world's best GM.

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