2015 NFL Power Rankings: Week One
First of all, I should explain, for those of you who have never had the privilege opportunity to read my power rankings. These things are done by nearly every group of idiots major sports news service, and are a fun read, but ultimately useless. It is my contention that anybody can sit down and do a ranking and be just as valid as the best sportswriter on the planet. Therefore, a few years ago, I sat down and decided to screw around have some fun with it. Power rankings are a joke, so I decided to literally make it so. So, once again, I present to you my own NFL power rankings, where I make fun of as many people as possible in the process.
The new NFL season is finally here, and after a brief period of rejoicing, fans immediately moved on to panic and overreaction. Optimism and hope quickly turned to gloom and doom. It could be a fascinating psychological study. Your favorite team is either undefeated or hasn't even won a game yet. While week one is only a small part of the big picture, it's always nice to win, but don't make those playoff reservations just yet. In week one Hoyer got yanked, bad teams got spanked, and football fans got tanked. Here we go.
32. Redskins: The countdown to Jay Gruden's firing is officially on, though Roger Goodell should make himself useful for once and suspend every single person associated with the operation of the team for life.
31. Raiders: After the game, fans in Oakland immediately called their Congressman to complain that moving them to LA wasn't far enough away.
30. Buccaneers: I'm not saying Tampa Bay's offensive line sucks, but Warren Sapp was seen hovering around them all afternoon.
29. Browns: Someday, in the distant future, a scientist, after years of study, is going to conclude once and for all that God hates Cleveland.
28. Jaguars: Jags fans were expecting an improved Blake Bortles to show up, and instead got Blaine Gabbert 2.0.
27. Texans: Houston has gotta be the early favorite to draft Christian Hackenberg next year, right? I mean...right?
26. Vikings: I can't, in good conscience, make fun of Teddy Bridgewater, and I'm afraid Adrian Peterson might come and shake my hand if I make fun of him, so TJ Clemmings is completely responsible here.
25. Giants: Playing the part of Eli Manning, Tom Coughlin, and Ben McAdoo in week one: Larry, Moe, and Eli Manning.
24. Saints: Bear Grylls is clearly to blame here, as Brees' pre-game meal of 3 grubs and a piece of bark might not have been the best choice.
23. Bears: The biggest surprise here is that I can't immediately think of a joke about the Bears game. Thank God Jay Cutler threw that interception to supply a fallback option.
22. Steelers: In opposition to the Bears, the jokes about Pittsburgh's defense virtually write themselves. It's a good thing they can score points.
21. Ravens: The Baltimore offense is the Pittsburgh Steelers defense of offenses....or something like that. They're no good. There.
20. Titans: Tennessee, and Marcus Mariota, had the good fortune of playing an awful team in week one. Let's let them beat an actual NFL team before we get too excited.
19. Colts: When you can't block, can't tackle, can't run the ball, and can't complete a pass, you're obviously still the best team in the AFC South.
18. Jets: Just their luck, they start the season off with a nice win, and are still the worst team in the AFC East.
17. Panthers: There is no truth to the rumor that Luke Kuechly gave himself a concussion to avoid having to watch Carolina's offense.
16. Lions: Matthew Stafford is the Joe Flacco of the NFC....without, you know, the championship ring, and the monobrow.
15. Dolphins: They won. That's about it.
14. Eagles: Well, if nothing else, this game should finally put to bed the Julio Jones vs Jordan Matthews argument.
13. Falcons: Matt Ryan might be the most vanilla person in the NFL. There are no jokes. I can't work with somebody like this.
12. Broncos: If you watched this game, hoping to see offense, by the end of it you were probably drunk and bleeding from the eyes.
11. 49ers: All future 49ers broadcasts should be narrated by Australian bloggers.
10. Cowboys: Dallas is lucky that the Giants trying to manage the clock is akin to my 2 year old son trying to do calculus.
9. Chargers: I didn't watch this one, but I'm assuming San Diego put a red jersey on Keenan Allen for this one.
8. Seahawks: The fact that the game's signature play was a pass completed right over a beaten Richard Sherman surely put smiles on a lot of faces.
7. Bills: Buffalo blitzed from everywhere. Luck got hit by linebackers, linemen, safeties, players wives, pets, and members of the Buffalo city council.
6. Cardinals: As a Bengals fan, I'm contractually obligated to not compliment Carson Palmer, so way to go Chris Johnson.
5. Rams: Aaron Donald isn't human. I don't care what you, his mother, or his birth certificate says. He was created in a lab along with JJ Watt and Aaron Rodgers...and Iron Man.
4. Chiefs: I don't know why the Chiefs just don't embrace Alex Smith and go with Jamaal Charles and four tight ends on every play.
3. Bengals: Screw it. Let the biased comments commence.
2. Patriots: *
1. Packers: Randall Cobb, James Jones, hell, Aaron Rodgers could still make Sterling Sharpe a Pro Bowler.
* Comment vacated
MVPs
Rob Gronkowski: To be fair, it's much easier to make this list if teams don't cover you at all.
Marcus Mariota: You really can't argue against that kind of day.
Bills Defense: If Andrew Luck congratulates guys who hit him normally, he probably bought cars for the Bills D.
Any fan who managed to sit through Carolina vs Jacksonville: Yeesh.
Goats
Pittsburgh Secondary: AKA The Keystone Cornerbacks.
Blaine Gabbert: The Jaguars may never recover.
Anybody even remotely associated with the New York Giants organization.
The new NFL season is finally here, and after a brief period of rejoicing, fans immediately moved on to panic and overreaction. Optimism and hope quickly turned to gloom and doom. It could be a fascinating psychological study. Your favorite team is either undefeated or hasn't even won a game yet. While week one is only a small part of the big picture, it's always nice to win, but don't make those playoff reservations just yet. In week one Hoyer got yanked, bad teams got spanked, and football fans got tanked. Here we go.
32. Redskins: The countdown to Jay Gruden's firing is officially on, though Roger Goodell should make himself useful for once and suspend every single person associated with the operation of the team for life.
31. Raiders: After the game, fans in Oakland immediately called their Congressman to complain that moving them to LA wasn't far enough away.
30. Buccaneers: I'm not saying Tampa Bay's offensive line sucks, but Warren Sapp was seen hovering around them all afternoon.
29. Browns: Someday, in the distant future, a scientist, after years of study, is going to conclude once and for all that God hates Cleveland.
28. Jaguars: Jags fans were expecting an improved Blake Bortles to show up, and instead got Blaine Gabbert 2.0.
27. Texans: Houston has gotta be the early favorite to draft Christian Hackenberg next year, right? I mean...right?
26. Vikings: I can't, in good conscience, make fun of Teddy Bridgewater, and I'm afraid Adrian Peterson might come and shake my hand if I make fun of him, so TJ Clemmings is completely responsible here.
25. Giants: Playing the part of Eli Manning, Tom Coughlin, and Ben McAdoo in week one: Larry, Moe, and Eli Manning.
24. Saints: Bear Grylls is clearly to blame here, as Brees' pre-game meal of 3 grubs and a piece of bark might not have been the best choice.
23. Bears: The biggest surprise here is that I can't immediately think of a joke about the Bears game. Thank God Jay Cutler threw that interception to supply a fallback option.
22. Steelers: In opposition to the Bears, the jokes about Pittsburgh's defense virtually write themselves. It's a good thing they can score points.
21. Ravens: The Baltimore offense is the Pittsburgh Steelers defense of offenses....or something like that. They're no good. There.
20. Titans: Tennessee, and Marcus Mariota, had the good fortune of playing an awful team in week one. Let's let them beat an actual NFL team before we get too excited.
19. Colts: When you can't block, can't tackle, can't run the ball, and can't complete a pass, you're obviously still the best team in the AFC South.
18. Jets: Just their luck, they start the season off with a nice win, and are still the worst team in the AFC East.
17. Panthers: There is no truth to the rumor that Luke Kuechly gave himself a concussion to avoid having to watch Carolina's offense.
16. Lions: Matthew Stafford is the Joe Flacco of the NFC....without, you know, the championship ring, and the monobrow.
15. Dolphins: They won. That's about it.
14. Eagles: Well, if nothing else, this game should finally put to bed the Julio Jones vs Jordan Matthews argument.
13. Falcons: Matt Ryan might be the most vanilla person in the NFL. There are no jokes. I can't work with somebody like this.
12. Broncos: If you watched this game, hoping to see offense, by the end of it you were probably drunk and bleeding from the eyes.
11. 49ers: All future 49ers broadcasts should be narrated by Australian bloggers.
10. Cowboys: Dallas is lucky that the Giants trying to manage the clock is akin to my 2 year old son trying to do calculus.
9. Chargers: I didn't watch this one, but I'm assuming San Diego put a red jersey on Keenan Allen for this one.
8. Seahawks: The fact that the game's signature play was a pass completed right over a beaten Richard Sherman surely put smiles on a lot of faces.
7. Bills: Buffalo blitzed from everywhere. Luck got hit by linebackers, linemen, safeties, players wives, pets, and members of the Buffalo city council.
6. Cardinals: As a Bengals fan, I'm contractually obligated to not compliment Carson Palmer, so way to go Chris Johnson.
5. Rams: Aaron Donald isn't human. I don't care what you, his mother, or his birth certificate says. He was created in a lab along with JJ Watt and Aaron Rodgers...and Iron Man.
4. Chiefs: I don't know why the Chiefs just don't embrace Alex Smith and go with Jamaal Charles and four tight ends on every play.
3. Bengals: Screw it. Let the biased comments commence.
2. Patriots: *
1. Packers: Randall Cobb, James Jones, hell, Aaron Rodgers could still make Sterling Sharpe a Pro Bowler.
* Comment vacated
MVPs
Rob Gronkowski: To be fair, it's much easier to make this list if teams don't cover you at all.
Marcus Mariota: You really can't argue against that kind of day.
Bills Defense: If Andrew Luck congratulates guys who hit him normally, he probably bought cars for the Bills D.
Any fan who managed to sit through Carolina vs Jacksonville: Yeesh.
Goats
Pittsburgh Secondary: AKA The Keystone Cornerbacks.
Blaine Gabbert: The Jaguars may never recover.
Anybody even remotely associated with the New York Giants organization.
Comments
Post a Comment